And finally, I am moving into a 1BHK to live alone starting October. It's been almost two years staying with five of my batch mates in a house which has been cursed infinitely many times by all of us. This new place is close by, so that I can pop back at my ever welcoming generous roomies place during dreadful weekends. The roomies themselves are moving at the same time into a new cozy big apartment in Diamond District, so there's enough room for everyone during weekend parties! I do realize that living alone is pretty tough. And I am planning to fill the new house with inanimate objects to amuse myself and fill in the void of human absence if that works.
The thought of living alone had been lingering since more that 6 months and I even had ideas of how kickass it would be given the non-iit social expansion that happened during the past 2 years in Bangalore. Either it was or not my choice, I know for sure that the ideas won't/can't be materialized. People are weird. Just like me, but in a different dimension. I would like to call it a stupid dimension but then again, what's stupid to me could be the right intellectual shit to them. It's like you make friends from a different dimension and you expect them to understand, which is a height of improbability. Even the one who hopped into your dimension once in a while gives a big blow, you tend to lose faith in all of those who are known lingering in that dimension. You think, the phase angles match at all the times and a resonance is bound to happen ..only to realize finally that their waves are transverse to yours!
Also I realised I fucking hate extroverts who say out things even before they think. I am not sure if I am a complete introvert, but I can connect myself a lot to this esteem boosting article on introverts http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
And the need to get back to writing is increasing in quantities unmatched to those prior to these times. Need to fix my computer once I move out, since anyway solitude is the food for writers. oops did i call myself a ...writer? my bad. And need to listen to MUSIC. A LOT.

Dead Man

Dead man walking,
dead man talking,
your palm's so cold,
your hair so old.
there's cold blood trickling,
there's your face sickening,
where's the smile?
where's the flesh?
were you dead as a child?
were you lost in the wild?

yes, i have grown dead,
yes, i have a lot bled,
i did wait for Santa clause,
i did make a lot of flaws,
but that's when I was alive,
and then i had to revive,
to something not a pain,
to something very inane.

__________________________

crap

Just recollected this famous quote on emotions!

"If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny"


_____________________

Testing

Test 1 2 3

Funny, how things, if they don't go according to your expectations, can wreck havoc in your life. I have an understanding that 'expectation' is the root cause of all suffering in this world. Of course, I am not talking about poverty or hunger, which have no solution unless one empowers themselves and fights back for food. In fact, that alone is the real suffering, in my opinion. Everything else is a self inflicted one. Be it emotional, greed, vanity, et al. Emotional suffering is something when you want someone to act in a certain way, they don't and you feel let down, sobbing, feeling bad and shit like that. I was wondering if there's a way, like for the real suffering, to empower oneself and overcome this self inflicted egotistic suffering. Like, you modify your behavioural aspects, attitude or likewise elements required for social existence and gain all the love and respect from anyone you please. Maybe, you fake it. Like a billionaire conman, in his/her field. A billionaire conman is evidently more than happy as far as money is concerned. Would it apply the same for this emotional conman? Or would there be a huge void, somewhere deep inside his/her heart, with a packed garbage of real feelings and passion, lying at the bottom of this pit, untouched? That's the shit that scares me, the garbage. I chose the plain, stolid way of not expecting anything whatsoever from people. "You don't like my shit? No problemo! I still like to talk to you! You got fine thoughts and opinions, including the ones about my shit". I was like that. But it's drifting away and I don't know why. And it's turned into a huge cyclone, hurling things around. I'll sleep on it, giving it some time to settle down though.
They say, when you are sad, just think of all the people suffering in this world, sadder than what you are right now. Thank God for giving so much comfort to you than others. That's bullshit and hypocritical according to me**. Because, if I start thinking of all the happier people than me when I am feeling happy, I would go into maybe a third degree depression for not having all those things with me. I say this because I will be involved with my own sadness when I am sad, as much as I am involved with my own happiness when I am happy. I am not sad, I just expected a response from someone. I am not happy, I just like things whatever they might be. That's it. But the drift, oh, happens once in a while, signaling something better than this. That's a gift and a curse.

Off topic, I am planning to write a play, in the style of ancient Rome plays. About a simpleton finding a magical statue in a forest. This statue can come to life and go back to being motionless, on it's own discretion. Phew, excited.


** If you think of it, its pure sadism too, in a way, indirectly feeling happy about others' suffering.

twisted

when you are happy as a bee,
that is what i want to see,
when you're chirping around crazy,
that is what i want from you, daisy....

rarely i do get to see such a thing,
where you carry around a zing,
merry about sweet nothings,
fluttering like you got some wings.

making my infatuation
stronger,
contorting myself more
dafter,
for.. i think it'll remain
unreturned.

__________________________

need to binge

where's the freedom i had,
where's the innocence i knew,
where's the good and bad,
where's the all that's true

where's the creature in me,
where's the soul of mine,
where's the whine and glee,
where's the all that's fine.

a creeping insipidity,
a soothing indifference,

give back my appetite,
for i need to... live a life.

eye candy

when i look into your eyes,
without a flinch or dither,
don't you see the disguise
of a growing storm within?

each time...
i make and break
the same resolution,
a never-ending 
cycle of reverberation, 
i cannot stop this
new familiarity
which takes me away
from solidarity

a reverberation
i cannot stop
which is tuned 
to the lazy heart.

___________________

Why God, Why!

I have definitely come to a conclusion that ignorance is a social trait. Though the event I am going to describe has to deal with a tad bit of knowledge in science or in general a 5th grade kid astronomy knowledge, I am sure that a lack of this general information about our night sky is a bit scary. Even if you were uneducated, you would know it from childhood as akashaganga in hindi ( i knew from my nani as 'palapuntha' in telugu - literally milky way).
Okay, scene - Nandhi Hills. After a nice party at home, we all decide to head, at 1AM,  to this place called nandhi hills near bangalore. We make a stop at a right spot, some 1150mts above mean sea level, to marvel at the beauty of the sky and the dark vastness ( or vast darkness? ) spread into the hills and the land. We send a J. Everyone is like relaxed and admiring the stars - some looking for shooting stars ( G., you are right man, they aint no stars - its stones, meteoroids is a nice term, falling into the atmosphere and burning). I had my eyes on the hazy white stripe running across the sky and, like everyone else who were saying obvious things about what they see(hey, i saw a shooting star), I made a comment on this beautiful stretch. "Look at our galaxy man, it looks great". This guy is supposedly into software (psuedo technology), so I know I din't bump the comment into someone who is living a mystic world of art, abstractness and philosophy. He laughs at me and says  "Dude, what are you high on man, those are the clouds!" or something like that. I reverted back saying "Dude, its the fucking milkyway man, you din't know or wot"? My loud voice made it reach to everyone else, making them laugh with unstoppable spasms. Happens with the J. And then it started, 9 Vs 1. People mocking at the galaxy comment, some trying to rectify me saying it could be some light from somewhere and sorts. One specimen said, its a "Constellation". She repeated, as though its going to add weight to an empty logical answer, assuring herself. Lets see - constellation is something where in you have some 3 to 15 stars together to form a meaningful object or a living thing look alike to the human eye (they are also the sun sings you so blindly believe in). I see a white band, almost straight, thick. Unless you were imagining it to be a white thick dick look-alike, that thing could never be close to a constellation. I wonder how the greek mythology missed this big constellation. By the way I just got to know an another definition of constellation by the scientific community - its some region defined by International Astronomical Union. And I am sure you were not referring to this - that should not have made you miss the milkyway knowledge anyway in the first place. I wish I had this argument right on at that time - it would be futile though - drowned in the J. ness. The thing ended with me explaining to a guy - that milkyway is disc shaped and that we are at the edge - so when you look towards the center of the galaxy you see so many stars clustered - you see the white band. And for people who can't fathom the complexity of spacial 3D, I said that our galaxy got the name milkyway because of that white band! Whoosh. Not convincing enough. I am glad it din't convince them so easily else I could have been a prophet. I left it for them to read from somewhere later or even better just not care about it. Earth is flat! So is your face, blank.
It's not about milkyway.
Anyhow, the trip to nandhi hills was awesome! And to keep updated on the previous post-  i AM on my way - got an FZ16!

The thought of taking a break from work has been lingering me since a few weeks. I am not sure if the work is tiresome or boring but the most important thing I realised was that you, as an individual, are not as important a human resource in a big firm. And so this lack of false sense of responsibility is an awesome feeling which I want to explore being at home. I got two ideas. One of the two ideas is to be at home, have mom's food to heart's conent, catch-up with old buddies, watch telugu movies and maybe give some liberal gyan to family people. But then I have to also bear the constant adivce/nag from parents about doing something with my career. The other idea is to saveup enough money, after buying a hip bike like FZ/R15/some cruiser, to last for atleast 2 months and stay in bangalore and to party atleast twice a week.. if possible freelance in between whenever I am fully conscious. I remember once asking our puzzle champion if he had infinite money ( or if he ever savesup such amounts), would he like to spend life lazying around, have long islands on a beach, party a lot, score chicks and sorts. He said 'no'. He said he'd like to use his brain for more productive activities, basically to keep it sharp and all. I say, nay, fuck it, give me the money. I consider the two month break I was contemplating about as a trial version of the bigger one. If I don't like it, I will stop craving to get filthy rich and get busy in silly little things as making this world easier and comfortable  for others to live, showing people how big my brains are and sorts. However, if I do like it, it would be a long odreal getting busy  to mint money using my extraordinarly mind-boggling brain skills. 

extraordinary wishful thoughts

this crave for the unattainable,
decomposing my so called dignity,
things would be explainable
only if you din't show frigidity

cradling my heart,
a feeling that was craft,
perfect as the dreams
these disastrous schemes

not a lesson learned
for these are the same
that left me burned
now replaced by your flame.

___________________________

false sense of passion

Honestly I think, for a kind of person like me, if I am not reading books - I can't write. Couple of years ago I think I was good with vocabulary, be it in the usage of words or be it in their quantity. And now, I feel deprived of so many beautiful synonyms and metaphors while writing. Obviously, as I see it, the influx of many new words happened to me in a span of just one year or so when I was 20+, rather than being good in english subject when I was a kid. So, as some researchers claim, our brain stops growing at the age of around 20 and you can't take in anymore words. Its like a fixed legth array used as a queue or some sort.
I just finished reading P G Wodehouse's 'Ring for Jeeves'  yesterday and I feel so elated with his witty and intelligent usage of words. I have this 10 books pack by P G Wodehouse, the best of his works it seems as claimed on its cover, for like INR 890. I had bought it almost a year ago and I finished with the second book, both were thin as an ipod touch.  Though I love to read and write, I am generally forced to do either one when I am totally feeling like shit. Like now, when I am no more a numb zombie fixing bugs indefinitely. I feel alive again, only to realise that I am surrounded by the same zombies as I was. You can't speak anything to them except about bugs. I enquire if the bugs tasted good , if they were nasty too. This is my first experience working for a fairly big company as Philips, and I must confess - I HATE IT. The only thing I learnt here is not to work in such a zombie environment ever, where you get hyptnotized into assuming that you are one valuable zombie.
Four months ago, I was very much not a zombie - meeting new non-zombies, beer mugs, music, movies, laughs. Ok, enough of the term zombie i guess. But seriously, I was so fed up woprking for 12 hours everyday - that I had to blast at my manager over phone when he told me that he was disappointed because I couldn't get my code reviewed by my reviewer on a saturday since I reached office at 2pm and that I can't except the reviewer to be there during my own confortable timings. I literally shouted at him, "LOOK YOU NEED NOT BE DISSAPPOINTED BECAUSE THIS IS SATURDAY, AND I SHOULD NOT EVEN BE IN THE OFFICE"

Anyhow, I am trying to catch with people's blogs, even though everyone has moved to the super sexy, irressitable, chikni wordpress. 
I feel like being in this dingy livejournal though :).

created from nothingness,
with a thought of emptiness,
greeted with full of joy,
wonder gifted as a toy.

if it gets full, the curious slate
and no more care about the fate,
then show me how to live
the life you so yearned to give

if you can't rub off the etch
and can no more sketch
shall we dumb it down
or juggle as a clown?


_________________________

As everyday passes by, I begin to worry more and more about the world we are facing. The news is generally grim, almost all of the days, and there is no end to it. And we are having more heated arguments amongst friends about who is more right and wrong, during major crisis like the Mumbai 26/11.
The course of discussions is usually like this: Hindu-Muslim to Pakistan via Taliban - USA - Russia - Communism - China - Hitler - Jews - Israel - Aliyah - Palestine - Gazastrip - Poverty - Zimbabwe - India - Pakistan.
And all of it is an ugly trip. The more we talk about the world, the more cynical we all become. You'll denounce capitalism, when you see its ugly side and at the same time curse communism for its unaccountability of power. Some say people of the various moral policing senas are jobless jerks and at the same time you start to wonder if their sensibilities towards things are actually making them do the things they do. Some say, it all started from Ayodhya in India - while some say we have been fighting like dogs ever since the creation of this subcontinent. The point of origin is usually also blamed on Israel troubling with Palestinians, who used the religion to unite their kind from all over the world for a 'cause'. Blame on Israel usually takes us to Hitler and his crankiness - which he developed during his own fucked up crisis like the great depression and WW1. A reasonable search for the past events which led to this shit, would take us through 600AD, 0-50AD, 2000BC and etc. In all this noise, we Indians have 'lost' our culture, our education system, our respect for women, our male chauvinism, our kurtas, pyjamas and the various achars - and these things get on to the nerves of some(or could be majority) of people in India. All or parts of what we read and hear could be true, or all of it could be an outright lie fed to us poor souls by the power hungry and rich aliens who get an orgasm while masturbating - looking at this voyeuristic suffering.
And on top of it the current recession. People are losing jobs like the chickens get culled during avian flu.

Is a true world order possible, with a peaceful coexistence of the promiscuous and the loyal conservative?

rattling silence

become the water
become the wind
become the dust and sand
become the light
become the sight
become the people on this land
become the disease and cure
become something for sure
become the thought
become the naught
become the wealth you got
become the motion
become the notion
become the weaker emotion
become the numb
become the scum
become anything that's dumb

if you dont, someone else will,
to tame and change the way,
that was the bluish pill
and you wont have a say.

happy new clean wax-free ear.

Inspite of taking almost a year's course in pubbing, the new year's was a little lame. It's like the time when I forgot to attend the endsem exam of Prof. Ananth Krishnan's state space analysis course. Instead, I took to office, a bottle of 'minute maid/pulpy orange' adultrated with a quarter of vodka because this new friend of mine, who's left leg is fractured and was confined to home-work for more than 4 months, was too desperate to just smell some alcohol. We had the vodka in the evening after work and wanted more. After finding out from the autowala for some really hip place to hang out at, we ended up at 'gururaj bar and restaurant'. Gururaj bar and restaurant is basically a wine shop with a  backyard covered with asbestos roofing sheets. Well it WAS a hip place... but for the autowalas(No, I am not a professionist if that was equivalent of racist word used for such remarks). The bar was in no way different than the regular pubs, or so we thought. It was downlighted, best served, good food(not sure of quality), dancing is anyway 'banned 'so there's no need of a dance floor. And the best part is they charged meager 10 bucks extra on the MRP! If it were in the most cheapest so called hip pub, we would have had to lose a couple of grand.. each. When I returned home around 10ish, I tried waking up my somber roomies, who were spending the evening, as if it was just another fucking eve, well somber. Pondy was ready to join me and he called up the 'nearest stone throw distance from my place' pub only to find out it had a cover charge of, wait for it, well, hmm, not much but yeah a little high, yep,four followed by three zeros rupaiyya. Yes.. per head, even if it was a chicken's. How the hell do they expect each person spending 4000 I couldnt comprehend, because as per the menu rates, you'll either get choked eating so much or pass out drinking(And no, a balance between the two is not possible without, you knew it all along, throwing up).
Anyway, there was no proper partying on this new year's eve and I regret because I wont get to see, from what i heard, such crazy crowd  on a normal weekend.

Its no use ending this without a conventional happiest ever new year greeting.

Wishing you, your significant other, your family members, their family members and basically to all of the people connected to you through six degrees of separation a happy new year which is prosperous, wonderful, rocking, with lots of love, lots of lols, lots of hotties, lots of music to the ears, lots of movies, lots of paryting, lots of everything which doesn't basically give a frown on the face and here's hoping for akshay kumar to cross the 100 crore mark this year to charge for his movies.