Funny, how things, if they don't go according to your expectations, can wreck havoc in your life. I have an understanding that 'expectation' is the root cause of all suffering in this world. Of course, I am not talking about poverty or hunger, which have no solution unless one empowers themselves and fights back for food. In fact, that alone is the real suffering, in my opinion. Everything else is a self inflicted one. Be it emotional, greed, vanity, et al. Emotional suffering is something when you want someone to act in a certain way, they don't and you feel let down, sobbing, feeling bad and shit like that. I was wondering if there's a way, like for the real suffering, to empower oneself and overcome this self inflicted egotistic suffering. Like, you modify your behavioural aspects, attitude or likewise elements required for social existence and gain all the love and respect from anyone you please. Maybe, you fake it. Like a billionaire conman, in his/her field. A billionaire conman is evidently more than happy as far as money is concerned. Would it apply the same for this emotional conman? Or would there be a huge void, somewhere deep inside his/her heart, with a packed garbage of real feelings and passion, lying at the bottom of this pit, untouched? That's the shit that scares me, the garbage. I chose the plain, stolid way of not expecting anything whatsoever from people. "You don't like my shit? No problemo! I still like to talk to you! You got fine thoughts and opinions, including the ones about my shit". I was like that. But it's drifting away and I don't know why. And it's turned into a huge cyclone, hurling things around. I'll sleep on it, giving it some time to settle down though.
They say, when you are sad, just think of all the people suffering in this world, sadder than what you are right now. Thank God for giving so much comfort to you than others. That's bullshit and hypocritical according to me**. Because, if I start thinking of all the happier people than me when I am feeling happy, I would go into maybe a third degree depression for not having all those things with me. I say this because I will be involved with my own sadness when I am sad, as much as I am involved with my own happiness when I am happy. I am not sad, I just expected a response from someone. I am not happy, I just like things whatever they might be. That's it. But the drift, oh, happens once in a while, signaling something better than this. That's a gift and a curse.

Off topic, I am planning to write a play, in the style of ancient Rome plays. About a simpleton finding a magical statue in a forest. This statue can come to life and go back to being motionless, on it's own discretion. Phew, excited.


** If you think of it, its pure sadism too, in a way, indirectly feeling happy about others' suffering.