And finally, I am moving into a 1BHK to live alone starting October. It's been almost two years staying with five of my batch mates in a house which has been cursed infinitely many times by all of us. This new place is close by, so that I can pop back at my ever welcoming generous roomies place during dreadful weekends. The roomies themselves are moving at the same time into a new cozy big apartment in Diamond District, so there's enough room for everyone during weekend parties! I do realize that living alone is pretty tough. And I am planning to fill the new house with inanimate objects to amuse myself and fill in the void of human absence if that works.
The thought of living alone had been lingering since more that 6 months and I even had ideas of how kickass it would be given the non-iit social expansion that happened during the past 2 years in Bangalore. Either it was or not my choice, I know for sure that the ideas won't/can't be materialized. People are weird. Just like me, but in a different dimension. I would like to call it a stupid dimension but then again, what's stupid to me could be the right intellectual shit to them. It's like you make friends from a different dimension and you expect them to understand, which is a height of improbability. Even the one who hopped into your dimension once in a while gives a big blow, you tend to lose faith in all of those who are known lingering in that dimension. You think, the phase angles match at all the times and a resonance is bound to happen ..only to realize finally that their waves are transverse to yours!
Also I realised I fucking hate extroverts who say out things even before they think. I am not sure if I am a complete introvert, but I can connect myself a lot to this esteem boosting article on introverts http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch
And the need to get back to writing is increasing in quantities unmatched to those prior to these times. Need to fix my computer once I move out, since anyway solitude is the food for writers. oops did i call myself a ...writer? my bad. And need to listen to MUSIC. A LOT.

Dead Man

Dead man walking,
dead man talking,
your palm's so cold,
your hair so old.
there's cold blood trickling,
there's your face sickening,
where's the smile?
where's the flesh?
were you dead as a child?
were you lost in the wild?

yes, i have grown dead,
yes, i have a lot bled,
i did wait for Santa clause,
i did make a lot of flaws,
but that's when I was alive,
and then i had to revive,
to something not a pain,
to something very inane.

__________________________

crap

Just recollected this famous quote on emotions!

"If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny"


_____________________

Testing

Test 1 2 3

Funny, how things, if they don't go according to your expectations, can wreck havoc in your life. I have an understanding that 'expectation' is the root cause of all suffering in this world. Of course, I am not talking about poverty or hunger, which have no solution unless one empowers themselves and fights back for food. In fact, that alone is the real suffering, in my opinion. Everything else is a self inflicted one. Be it emotional, greed, vanity, et al. Emotional suffering is something when you want someone to act in a certain way, they don't and you feel let down, sobbing, feeling bad and shit like that. I was wondering if there's a way, like for the real suffering, to empower oneself and overcome this self inflicted egotistic suffering. Like, you modify your behavioural aspects, attitude or likewise elements required for social existence and gain all the love and respect from anyone you please. Maybe, you fake it. Like a billionaire conman, in his/her field. A billionaire conman is evidently more than happy as far as money is concerned. Would it apply the same for this emotional conman? Or would there be a huge void, somewhere deep inside his/her heart, with a packed garbage of real feelings and passion, lying at the bottom of this pit, untouched? That's the shit that scares me, the garbage. I chose the plain, stolid way of not expecting anything whatsoever from people. "You don't like my shit? No problemo! I still like to talk to you! You got fine thoughts and opinions, including the ones about my shit". I was like that. But it's drifting away and I don't know why. And it's turned into a huge cyclone, hurling things around. I'll sleep on it, giving it some time to settle down though.
They say, when you are sad, just think of all the people suffering in this world, sadder than what you are right now. Thank God for giving so much comfort to you than others. That's bullshit and hypocritical according to me**. Because, if I start thinking of all the happier people than me when I am feeling happy, I would go into maybe a third degree depression for not having all those things with me. I say this because I will be involved with my own sadness when I am sad, as much as I am involved with my own happiness when I am happy. I am not sad, I just expected a response from someone. I am not happy, I just like things whatever they might be. That's it. But the drift, oh, happens once in a while, signaling something better than this. That's a gift and a curse.

Off topic, I am planning to write a play, in the style of ancient Rome plays. About a simpleton finding a magical statue in a forest. This statue can come to life and go back to being motionless, on it's own discretion. Phew, excited.


** If you think of it, its pure sadism too, in a way, indirectly feeling happy about others' suffering.